Absolutely. Here's a full chapter titled “No Fats, No Fems?” – Confronting Bias Within Our Own House, written in an engaging, thoughtful, and empowering voice that speaks directly to Black gay men while inviting honest reflection and growth.
Chapter One: “No Fats, No Fems?” – Confronting Bias Within Our Own House
It’s the phrase that shows up like an uninvited guest at the family reunion—loud, messy, and full of judgment: “No fats, no fems.” Sometimes tucked neatly into a dating profile. Sometimes spoken outright in club bathrooms, whispered in friend circles, or coded in online interactions. It’s the phrase that tells you what’s “undesirable” before you even say hello.
But let’s talk about what that phrase really says.
It says: you’re only worthy of love, sex, and attention if you look and act a certain way. It says: masculinity is the gold standard. It says: we’ve absorbed the same toxic ideals that society uses to divide and shrink us. And most painfully, it says: we’ve learned to hate pieces of ourselves—and each other—in order to feel accepted.
Where Did This Come From?
Colonialism, patriarchy, racism, and capitalism didn’t just affect the outside world—they trickled into our private spaces too. Masculinity, thinness, and certain aesthetics got marketed as “desirable,” while anything outside that was labeled “extra,” “too much,” or “not my type.” But when personal preference becomes exclusionary or dehumanizing, it’s not just a preference—it’s a problem.
The Black gay community, like any other, is not immune to these influences. But we have a special challenge: we are already fighting to be seen, loved, and protected in a world that targets us from multiple angles. So why repeat that harm within our own spaces?
The Real Impact
Let’s be clear—when you write “no fats, no fems,” someone reads that. Someone internalizes that. Someone starts believing that because they don’t look or sound a certain way, they don’t deserve love or even kindness. Maybe that someone is you. Maybe you’ve shrunk yourself, changed your voice, or avoided photos because you thought you had to in order to matter.
That’s not love. That’s survival. And survival isn’t enough anymore—we deserve to thrive.
Redefining What’s Desirable
Let’s take a breath and ask ourselves:
- Have I ever judged someone for being too “extra,” too “soft,” or not “masc enough”?
- Have I ever turned down someone not because of lack of chemistry, but because I was afraid of what others would think?
- Do I equate physical appearance with someone’s worth?
This is not about shame—it’s about awareness. Once we know better, we can do better. We can stop measuring desirability by Eurocentric or heteronormative standards. We can start seeing beauty in softness, strength in vulnerability, and power in diversity.
Creating a New Standard
What if we praised the Black femme boys who dared to wear heels to prom? What if we saw full-bodied Black men as sexy and desirable without a “but” or “if”? What if our dating apps became safe spaces instead of exclusion zones?
That starts with us.
When you show up in the world unapologetically, when you affirm someone who society told wasn’t worthy, when you widen your idea of what love looks like—you shift culture. You make room. You challenge the system.
Affirmation & Reflection
Affirmation:
I am enough exactly as I am. I make space for others to be fully themselves, too.
Reflection Questions:
- Have I ever felt rejected based on my body or gender expression?
- What would it feel like to be desired for who I truly am?
- How can I support more inclusive and affirming conversations in my friend circle?
Final Word
The phrase “no fats, no fems” might be common, but that doesn’t mean it’s right—or that it has to stay. We have the power to reimagine love in our image. And that image? It’s bold, Black, queer, soft, strong, loud, tender, and everything in between.
Because in this house—our house—everybody deserves to be loved.
Let me know if you'd like the next chapter, or if you’d like this turned into an audiobook-style script or blog post version too!
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